Processing

A page from my journal #1

Today,
I laid in my bed all day. Oh, how I’m sure any American capitalist who works pay check to pay check to pay their bills on time would dream of a day like mine. But, what if lying in bed all day wasn’t a luxury? Or, it most definitely didn’t feel like one.

It came with what felt like endless tears streaming down my face and being paralyzed from the emotion that not even the sound of my stomach growling at me to get food would motivate me to get out of bed. That, as I laid there, I wondered how long I could lay holding my pee before my body couldn’t take it anymore simply because the safest place that I felt was my bed.

So,
Today,
I laid in bed all (most of the) day

And what felt like all of the day became most of the day when I asked my body what it needed. Air, sunshine, outside
I imagined lying in the grass under a tree staring at the summer sky, which sounded wonderful. Until, I remembered that it was 90 degrees outside and the last place that I wanted to be was, in fact outside.

So, in my thoughts and emotions, I became curious as to how I could provide my body what it was asking for AND THEN.. it dawned on me.

Earlier in the day, I briefly spoke to my roommate, who was also experiencing similar severe heaviness, and I could feel the deep sense and need for sisterhood and community. As I processed my emotions, and didn’t feel like I could turn to anyone, I thought I would check in with her and offer that we go on a walk. It was a breath of fresh air amongst the four walls of my room, when she shared that she was thinking the same thing.

So, we texted awhile to plan and figure out when the best time to go would be, and then I heard her in the kitchen. sidebar: the apartment walls and floors are so paper thin that you can hear a conversation that’s happening on the third floor from the second as if you’re sitting right next to them.

As I heard her in the kitchen, I struggled with the idea of speaking to her in person, because deep inside of me, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. BUT, it was much easier for me to roll out of bed and stroll downstairs to have a conversation face to face.

We chatted, we planned and decided to take an evening walk. From there, we watched TV and lingered. We moaned and groaned when it was time for a walk, but we did it. We changed, we walked, we talked, and we enjoyed a sushi dinner. We both felt better after expressing what was on our hearts and breathing the fresh air.

So, today, I laid in bed.. most of the day.
I cried, I felt, I asked questions and listened, I wrote in my journal.
I allowed myself to feel the pain and deep sadness of what lies on my heart.

Allow yourself to feel and release. To let go.
Sometimes, the feeling and releasing can be too heavy for one, so call on others.
Hold space for one another and always remember this too shall pass.