Awareness
A page from my journal #2
Content Warning: This blog discusses depression and may be emotionally challenging for some readers. Please proceed with care or take a break if you feel overwhelmed.
Some days, I don’t want to talk
I look at my phone and the addicted loops in my brain ask me to endlessly scroll and even though I don’t want to do that.. I still do.
My friends, I think about you. I think about picking up the phone for a phone call, but I simply don’t have the energy to do it. I don’t have the energy to have a conversation and pretend everything is okay. I hate that about myself right now, but it’s true.
My family, I think about you too. How I just want to hear your voice, and yes a 10-20 minute call is quick, but it feels like a days long attempt to reach you and connect.
My therapist, in conversation, mentioned how Depression wants us to suffer. It survives on our suffering. The wiring of the chemicals wants us to stay isolated and remain glued to the couch, disengaged and uninterested.
But after the diagnosis, and with this awareness, I am reminded that my identity is not one with what I’m experiencing. My identity is separate from the diagnosis. The two can walk alongside together, but are not one.
I am reminded that I have the power. I can choose what I do with my day and the attitude that I have. In having the power, I can see and assess my depression. I can ask it questions and be interested in who it is. I can befriend it to understand it, and in the befriending and loving, I am practicing being my own friend and loving who I am while healing.
Depression isn’t easy, and I am aware that it can look different for each individual. My recommendation is to seek professional help if you have a prolonged feeling of sadness, defeat, or simply can’t handle life’s stress. We are interdependent beings, and we are meant to experience life with community. Help is out there and available. Community is available to you.
Remember, you are loved and your existence on the planet is a gift!
If you’ve come to the end of this and are in need of support:
988 Suicide & Crisis Life-Line (call or text)
Crisis Text Line: text TALK to 741741
Local 211 service for long-term resources